Humour

The Conspiracy Behind Amit Shah’s Illness Must Be Probed

From the Vishwavguru Archives: Draft of an internal note under consideration at the highest echelons atop Raisina Hill.

Whereas it is a matter of satisfaction that the honourable Union home minister has fully recovered from his COVID-19 infection, and, is being successfully treated as per the post-infection protocol;

Whereas it is to be recognised that the Union home minister’s health and well-being is to be deemed as our national strategic asset;

And whereas it is to be observed that this COVID-19 infection kept the HM out of action for more than two weeks at a very critical time:

[1] during which time foreign troops – notwithstanding the glorious resistance up by our valorous jawans and officers – made a significantly unacceptable ingress into Indian-patrolled territory; and

[2] during which time the nation’s fight against the coronavirus pandemic has conspicuously faltered; and,

[3] during which time the nation’s economy has suffered a comprehensive collapse on a scale not witnessed these past 40 years

It is, therefore, important to find out if there was a conspiracy to ensure that the guidance and direction of the HM was not available to the nation, and that as a result of this conspiring the HM got infected with a deadly virus.

It must be kept in mind that the Union home minister is the second most protected man in the country and only a handful of individuals are allowed to come into any kind of physical proximity with him; and, in any case, it is relevant to point out that like other responsible citizens and ministers he was taking all the necessary precautions in terms of social distancing, etc. He must have been using the Aarogya Setu app too. And his doctors must have taken all the precautions keeping in mind his co-morbidities.

It is not out of place here to note that not only does the home minister enjoy protection at the highest level of security and has the finest medical attention, he is also deemed to enjoy an extraordinary immunity because of the blessings and affection of the millions and millions of deshbhakts at home and abroad.

Yet this extensively protected and enormously blessed public servant fell victim to a deadly virus.

Also read: In The Land Of Kangaroo Courts, The Law Can be an Ass

Therefore, it  cannot be wished away as an ordinary event that the Union home minister of a rising and powerful India should have been rendered hors de combat;

Given that our nation’s enemies, at home and abroad, know that this enormously talented official is the single most important source of initiative, imagination, innovation, purpose and direction for this government, which under the inspiring leadership of the honourable prime minister is determined to restore India to its ancient glory of the ‘soney ke chiriya” days.

An investigation, inquiry is needed to find out if there was some connivance or criminal negligence to see to it that the home minister fell victim to this disease.

This is because, in his absence:

The government has been made to look ridiculous, inept and totally out of its depth in managing the COVID-19 pandemic. If it could not protect its own home minister how can it inspire confidence among the citizens; moreover

The People’s Liberation Army (PLA) has been getting emboldened;

It is inconceivable that the finance minister would have dared to make her infamous “Act of God” statement had the HM been up and around; it is well-known that the faintest rumour of HM’s presence keeps cabinet ministers and senior bureaucrats on their best behaviour. Now, our own supporters are baffled at this curious explanation from the finance minister.

Or, during this time the external affairs minister would have felt emboldened to waste his time and energy in writing a meaningless book on India’s national security strategy when he could have been optimally deploying all our diplomatic tools and clout in ensuring that the Chinese comply with our demand that the status quo ante be restored on the LAC. This new boy has taken undue advantage of the headmaster’s absence on account of COVID and penned a book in English. Is he still trying to curry favour with his old masters among the Lutyens’ elite?

Also read: There is Indeed a Jihadi Conspiracy and the Nation Wants to Know What Modi Will Do About It

Given the massive setbacks the nation has suffered during the HM’s illness, it is imperative to institute a judicial inquiry to determine whether there was a conspiracy.

To convey the seriousness and gravity of the situation, it is essential that it be headed by a retired, if not a sitting, judge of the Supreme Court. [Discreet inquiries can be initiated to find out if the recently retired Justice Arun Mishra is available and willing.]

The inquiry will have to necessarily be a comprehensive investigation. The probe will have to examine the HM’s personal staff at home and in office, as to how an infected man could come into contact with the minister; and, also, the investigation should be free to locate any black sheep or worse among the political people who had seen the HM.

Our enemies are determined to derail our tryst with a glorious future; we should be equally determined to see through their nefarious tricks and defeat them at their own game. The conspirators need to be defrocked.

Hence, this proposal.

P.S.: As a principle of strategic communication it is imperative to wrest the narrative back from the mad crowd cranking up the Sushant-Kangana-Rhea rant.

Atmanirbhar is a pen-name for an aspiring satirist, who shall be irregularly contributing a column, From the Vishwavguru Archives, and believes that ridicule and humour are central to freedom to speech and expression.