The monologue below has no resemblance to anything or anyone whatsoever.Friends, (should sound like “lands” when you hear it in your head)I am writing to share with you my Mann Ki Baat which, unlike my faithful Party members and ministers, you never bother to listen to! Have you seen how dutifully they sit upright on rows of chairs and suffer my monologues? Now that is how I would have ideally liked you all to be, but alas, some things are not to be…Adarsh audience kaisa ho?Mere ministers jaisa ho!(How should the perfect audience be? Like my ministers they will be!)See? Even I coined a slogan, you Gen Z-ers aren’t the only ones!As you must have noticed, I have recently launched a new communication initiative with you through Instagram. After I had made the first one in the wee morning hours of July 24, just after midnight, I learned a valuable and precious lesson which I hope I will never forget. No, it has nothing to do with sacking corrupt education ministers before the demand for their resignation becomes a national movement.I learned that you must hold the phone at the correct angle and right distance when making a reel. Friends, you must admit my second reel released the following night was much better! This was because my PR team jumped in to get the angle, lighting and make-up right. (I have learned through ‘sources’ that some of them fainted after seeing my solo attempt and made sure that subsequent reels were never left to my own skill and initiative. After all, what is the point of spending so much on personal beautification if one’s best intentioned attempts end up becoming fodder for your reels?)And then there was a third reel I made under a tree in which I promised the setting up of a high powered task force on examination reforms. (#TooLittleTooLate)But none of these seem to have cut any ice with you and you seem to be just as determined as ever to hold my government to account for all the tragedies and fiascos that have happened in the field of education. You gathered and mobilised by the lakhs across the country to demand the resignation of Dharmendra Pradhan. We even sent lathis and tear gas to convince you when all else failed, but you still persisted and managed to get a cabinet minister to resign!Those of us in the highest echelons of power are still in shock, me, most of all! Nonetheless, I made another reel. How did this happen?Over the last 12 years we have spent thousands of crores of rupees trying to convince you, your parents and your grandparents that as your divinely appointed non-biological vishwaguru, I know what is best for you, and am, thus, above all manner of questioning and criticising.Friends, my visage has been plastered across billboards and hoardings in every nook and corner of the country and on the front pages of newspapers every single day of the year. I have lost count of the number of Vande Bharat trains I have waved green flags in front of and inaugurated, and the number of trips I have taken in newly inaugurated Metro trains on Sunday mornings with school children in full school uniform. I have waved to invisible audiences, tried to speak Punjabi, hugged innumerable heads of state on countless foreign tours (except Meloni, of course. Her, I gave Melody toffees to.) I have inserted myself into every major national accomplishment be it in the field of sports, arts or science. I have even laid claim to stopping wars for brief periods of time, but none of it has moved you in the least!You still came out in hundreds of thousands raising all manner of ashleel slogans against me, forcing me to leave Parliament House on July 20 by a back exit!Friends, despite all the brute force that we have exercised against you, you have refuse to back down.For once, I am at wit’s end!Arey, inspired by you, even that Rahul Gandhi came and did dharna in front of my house! And it took six policemen to carry him off!, some of them apparently whispering “We don’t like this government either!” in his ears!Of course, if you think we are going to have a change of heart, and do things fundamentally differently, you are gravely mistaken. This should have become quite clear to you seeing our choice of Pradhan’s successor. Nonetheless, I am going to continue to use whatever I can from my very limited toolkit to try and salvage whatever is left of my aura, this time with a special focus on cringey Instagram reels.Stay tuned for the next one!