This is a work of fiction. Although it may appear closer to reality than fiction for some.Singed by the clumsiness that attended, first, the online release and then the abrupt and sudden withdrawal of Satluj, the Competent Authority has established a new procedure for the exhibition of films. Before a motion picture can be screened for the public on any platform – and regardless of whether it is submitted for clearance by the Central Board of Film Certification or not – it will be mandatory for it to be viewed and cleared by a group of Bharatiya historians, cultural nationalists and religious scholars.In their first meeting in Nagpur on Sunday, July 12, the newly constituted Chalchitra Parishilan Samiti has given its verdict against three creative productions.A summary of the minutes is being submitted for the information of the relevant departments and ministries.Film: Chori-Chori (2026)A purported remake of the 1956 classic that starred Nargis and Raj Kapoor, its producers are registered as Satyamevajayate Productions. The remake introduces two new faces—Khoobsoorat Kapoor and Ayyar Khan—in the lead. The two are cast in the role of elegant yoga instructors running a high-end ashram but are essentially swindlers, pretending to combine yoga, meditation and Hindu religiosity. It cuts too close to the bone to be funny.The most objectionable scenes, from our point of view, are in the rain-dance carnival in the city square where a huge billboard can be seen in the frame, showing the opposition’ slogan:Pahle vote chori,Phir seat chori,Ab, Chanda ChoriFor no rhyme or reason, the camera seems to linger on these three lines now and then.What is most unacceptable is that the producers refused to drop those scenes or shoot the dance in a different setting. The producers’ argument is that there is authenticity to that setting and a subtle but central reminder to the viewer of how all human pretensions are vulnerable to delinquencies.This is humbug in our view. The producers seem to have a hidden political agenda, inviting attention to the ‘chanda chori’ at the Ayodhya temple.If this production is allowed to go on screen, we can be sure that our political adversaries would be financing and promoting a re-make of Chori Chori, Chupke Chupke next, reminding the masses of the embezzlement that has happened in Ayodhya. There is enough on the “chori” theme in the Hollywood films to keep pro-opposition producers in business for a long time, at least till the UP elections next year.If public attention lingers on that misappropriation, it will help our enemies weaken Bharat. The national strategic requirement is to move the imagination of Hindus in directions other than Ayodhya.Our very strong recommendation is that this focus on ‘chori be banned. The CBFC or I&B Ministry or IT Ministry may kindly be asked to provide the appropriate rule under which such a ban can be imposed.Film: Champat (2026)This production is innocently titled Champat. There is no overt suggestion that the title refers to Shri Champat Rai, former trustee of the Ayodhya temple and a respected Swayamsevak; instead, it is explained away as a variation of ghayab (disappeared). A clever— perhaps too clever—play on words.From our point of view, this is a very objectionable title. And, more than the title, it is the story line that we consider impermissible.The story line is simple. A nine-year old tribal girl has a dream in which she “sees” a magnificent temple atop the most steep hill in her village. Nobody has ever managed to climb the top. Local mythology holds that it is the abode of the gods and that mere human beings should never venture into their domain. It is considered forbidden territory.However, as per the story line, the young girl dreams of a temple on top of the hill. The next morning, as if in a trance, she sets out for the top of the hill—much against her family’s wishes and against the appeals by village elders. She is a girl possessed. The news of her trek spreads like wildfire. In poorly plagiarised scenes from Dev Anand’s Guide, a miracle is performed. And, soon, the entire district dreams of a magnificent temple on the hill. A barely disguised replication of the Ayodhya movement.The second half of the story also is made to resemble the in-house hanky-panky at Ayodhya. There is a character, called Arun Rai – a Rushdiesque technique of combing two well-known and recognisable names to produce a pseudonym. The reference to Champat Rai and Arun Mishra strikes you in the eye.And, this Arun Rai goes champat ( missing) with all the offerings. Worse, the suggestion is that he is in collusion with the local police inspector, the tehsil revenue officer, and also higher ups. This is a blatant allusion to the state and Union governments and also our Leaders.This film, Champat, should also never be allowed to be screened. The CBFC can find the necessary section to prevent its release.Film: Chief Inspector Jacques Comes to Holy Town This is a five-part ‘limited series’, billed as a hilarious comedy, with an uncomplicated story of the world-famous detective being asked to investigate financial irregularity at various ‘dhams.’ This is a barely disguised reference to the reports of ‘chori’ at Ayodhya, Badrinath and Kedarnath.The story script has it that the famous detective (played by a bumbling Boman Irani) is commissioned by the NRI community in North America which is deeply disturbed and anguished over the chori at some fictitious holy town in India. There are too many hints to make it obvious that the chori has taken place at Ayodhya, with the connivance and participation of the trusted overseers. In the film, a large and prosperous group of NRIs, ‘Hindus for Bharat’, has taken the initiative to engage the services of the inspector because they believe, as they put it, that the India-based ‘thekedars’ of Hinduism are more interested in limiting the political fall-out rather than exposing the collusion and collaboration at the highest level.This is a blasphemous film. It mocks all the virtues that have been propagated by the government and PM over these last ten years – the renewal of national glory, the infallibility of the pious and holy priestly class, the competence and integrity of the system in handling huge amounts of money. There can be no doubt that this film is part of a larger political agenda to lure NRIs away from the movement for Viksit Bharat.Our recommendation: Scrap this film. Find the appropriate section. Jai Sri Ram.Atmanirbhar is the pen-name of an aspiring satirist, who irregularly contributes a column, From the Vishwaguru Archives, and believes that ridicule and humour are central to freedom to speech and expression.